What is Consensual Non-Monogamy, Polyamory, and Open Relationships?

Consensual non-monogamy (CNM) is an umbrella term for relationship structures in which all partners openly agree that more than one romantic and/or sexual connection is allowed. The key word is consensual—these relationships are based on honesty, communication, and mutual agreement.

Within that umbrella:

Polyamory typically refers to having (or being open to) multiple loving, emotionally connected relationships at the same time.
Open relationships often center more on sexual connection outside a primary partnership, though emotional dynamics can vary widely from one relationship to another.
Relationship anarchy (RA) is a more flexible, non-hierarchical approach that resists predefined rules and prioritizes autonomy and authenticity in each connection.

There is no one "right" way to practice non-monogamy or polyamory. These are living, evolving relationship structures that look different for every individual and relationship.

A Non-Judgmental, Individualized Approach

I don't approach this work with a bias toward any particular relationship model.

I don't believe monogamy is inherently better than non-monogamy—or vice versa. What matters is whether your relationship structure is aligned, conscious, and sustainable for you.

At the same time, I am aware of how deeply culture shapes us. As we explore blocks to thriving in non-monogamy or polyamory, we may look not only at your personal history, but also at the cultural conditioning that may be influencing your ability to connect with your authentic self.

It's also very common for people within a relationship to have different relational orientations—for example, one person may feel drawn toward monogamy while another feels more aligned with non-monogamy.

These differences can feel overwhelming, confusing, and at times even threatening to the relationship.

I'm not here to push anyone toward a model that feels inauthentic. Instead, we explore these differences with care, honesty, and curiosity—working to find a path where each person can feel seen, respected, and grounded.

My role is to help you:

understand your own authentic relational needs and desires
identify patterns that may be shaping your reactions (including attachment and past experiences)
and find the overlap—the "Venn diagram"—where connection, integrity, and mutual fulfillment can exist

My role is not to push you toward staying together or separating, but to help each person connect more deeply with their own truth and with each other—so that whatever path emerges is grounded, conscious, and aligned.

Whether you ultimately choose monogamy, non-monogamy, or something uniquely your own, the goal is not to fit into a model—it's to build a relationship that actually works for the people in it.

Why Do People Struggle in Non-Monogamy?

Non-monogamy tends to activate unresolved attachment injuries far more intensely than monogamy.

As these older wounds are triggered, the nervous system can become dysregulated. You may notice tightness, numbness, dissociation, or anxiety in your body. Fears can surface—fear of being controlled, taken for granted, disrespected, or abandoned. Emotions like jealousy can become so intense that they interfere with your ability to access your intuition and stay connected to your internal compass.

Non-monogamy doesn’t create these patterns—it reveals them.

Often, two people in a relationship become triggered at the same time. In my book Open Deeply: A Guide to Building Conscious, Compassionate Open Relationships, I call this a double trigger—a moment when more than one person is dysregulated in their nervous system simultaneously.

These are often the most painful moments in a relationship.

Because these reactions frequently trace back to very early experiences, it can feel—metaphorically—like there isn't an adult in the room to help navigate what's happening. In these moments, it's common to catastrophize and conclude that you are not capable of non-monogamy.

That conclusion is often inaccurate.

Second, many people don't realize that somatic (body-based) regulation is foundational to communication—especially in non-monogamous relationships.

Most people have not been taught how to regulate their nervous systems, and many have not been given an effective communication model. Instead, people often "lawyer up"—arriving with a list of reasons they are right, while longing for compassion but struggling to offer it.

Even when communication frameworks such as Nonviolent Communication or Imago Dialogue are used, they often don't work when the nervous system is dysregulated.

When dysregulation takes over, the body can shift into fight, flight, freeze, or fawn. In these states, the prefrontal cortex—the part of the brain that helps us balance logic, emotion, and perspective—is less accessible.

From here, people may:

say things they later regret
agree to things that aren’t true consent (freeze or fawn)
or escalate conflict in ways that may "win" the moment but damage the relationship over time

This is one of the reasons I developed my EPIC communication model—so that during the hardest conversations we are better able to stay grounded, present and connected rather than reactive.

Third, non-monogamy is often being led—without people realizing it—by protective parts of the psyche.

For some, this may look like a drive toward non-monogamy rooted in a fear of being controlled. For others, it may be shaped by a fear of loss or abandonment.

When these parts are leading, decisions are less likely to come from a grounded, conscious, and compassionate place.

At its core, relationships tend to function best when people can love themselves well and love others well at the same time.

Difficulty arises when it feels like a choice between the two—loving yourself while abandoning someone else, or loving someone else while abandoning yourself.

When non-monogamy becomes especially difficult, this dilemma is often at the heart of it.

How I Help

Once these patterns are understood, they don't have to control the relationship.

My approach is both insight-oriented and deeply experiential.

While I draw from a range of tools and approaches, this is not a rigid process. I work in an attuned, responsive way—shaping our work around what you are bringing into each session and what feels most important or alive to you.

The elements below reflect the ways I support individuals and relationships. They are not meant to be followed in order, but woven together based on your needs.

Regulating the Nervous System

I help individuals and relationships recognize when they are dysregulated and learn how to return to a more grounded, regulated state—both individually and through co-regulation.

This is supported through a combination of:

somatic tracking
connecting to your full internal compass (thoughts, feelings, and bodily responses from a grounded, centered place)
building resources that help the body return to a state of calm
increasing positive affect tolerance—the capacity to receive love, care, and connection
learning what types of words or touch help you and others in your relationship regulate, and practicing those together
noticing how tone, speed of speech, and body movement impact both your own and others’ nervous systems

This creates the foundation for more connected and effective communication—including the kind of communication I teach through the EPIC model.

Identifying What’s Getting Triggered

I help each person identify what is being activated—whether that's fear, loss, neglect, jealousy or feeling controlled—and how those patterns are interacting within the relationship.

This is explored in a variety of ways, including the bridge-back method, where we connect a difficult moment in your relationship to an earlier experience that feels emotionally and somatically similar.

This often reduces confusion and reactivity, creating space for more conscious choices. This clarity becomes essential for communicating in a way that is grounded, attuned, and effective.

Working with Parts Through IFS-Informed Somatic Trauma Therapy

Using an IFS-informed somatic trauma approach, we explore the different "parts" of you that may be getting triggered or blocking progress.

These parts are protective strategies that developed for good reasons, even if they are no longer serving you or your relationship.

As we work with them, individuals and relationships often experience greater self-awareness, compassion, and flexibility.

Teaching the EPIC Communication Model

I teach a communication model I developed called EPIC, introduced in my book Open Deeply.

E — Empathy

P — Physical (somatic awareness and regulation)

I — Intellectual understanding (making sense of each other’s experience)

C — Compassion

EPIC integrates:

empathizing, validating, mirroring, and compassion

with somatic regulation and co-regulation.

This approach helps people in relationships feel both emotionally seen and physically grounded at the same time—creating the conditions for more connected, less reactive, and more intentional communication.

Creating Relationship Agreements That Work for You

I help individuals and relationships develop agreements that are aligned with who they are—not who they think they should be.

These agreements are flexible and evolve over time as insight, emotional capacity, and connection grow.

Healing Attachment Injuries with EMDR (When Appropriate)

At times, I incorporate EMDR to help process and heal attachment injuries that are fueling triggers and "double triggers."

As these wounds are resolved, many people experience less reactivity and a greater capacity for connection.

Supporting Emotional Processing and Integration

Throughout the process, I support individuals and relationships in working through emotions that may feel overwhelming, confusing, or stuck.

Together, we create space for these experiences to move, integrate, and become part of a more grounded and coherent sense of self.

The Intention

The intention of this work is not to impose a particular or dogmatic way of "doing relationships," but rather to support you in finding what is true and sustainable for you.

This includes learning how to communicate in ways that are emotionally attuned, physically grounded, and rooted in both understanding and compassion.

It’s to help you feel:

More authentic
More deeply connected to yourself
More attuned to others in your relationship
And more capable of navigating non-monogamy, polyamory, or any relationship structure from a grounded, conscious, and compassionate place

Work With Me

Finding the right therapist matters—especially when you're navigating something as complex and vulnerable as non-monogamy.

My work integrates attachment, trauma, IFS-informed somatic awareness, and communication in a way that helps individuals and relationships not just understand what's happening—but actually shift it.

If this resonates with you, I invite you to reach out. I offer a free consultation of about an hour, which gives us time to talk through what's going on, explore what you're looking for, and see if working together feels like a good fit.

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